The water is freezing. I can barely move to keep myself afloat. A few times I had already given in to the thought of drowning, except somehow I kept my head above water. Were my arms and legs still moving even though I could barely feel them? Pins and needles. I know I’m in the water, but it felt like attempting to move through sand. I can’t see anything else. The sky wasn’t white. Or overcast grey. It was dark and angry. No thunder. No rain. Just a rage causing the waves that continuously hit me to get harder and harder. All I can see is the wave passed, and the next one to come.
Deciding so late in life to change careers isn’t easy. The fear takes over. It grips you and stops you from moving. The only good thing was that it wouldn’t allow me to move backward either. Or so I thought. But life isn’t linear where it keeps moving forward. No, you stay exactly where you are, but life continues creating ahead, and the distance between where you are and want to be, continues to grow.
The next wave hits me. I could barely breathe as it was and I had taken on a mouthful of water and choked on it. All the while I began to tumble within the wave. I lost the sense of gravity. I lost the sense of the way to swim up for air. Am I finally done here? Is this how it ends?
I couldn’t do what it is that I wanted to do when I decided to change careers. The way everything was set up I wouldn’t be able to go back to study. That path was shut to me. I had to rethink how I wanted to put more of my creative side into action as a full-time career. I broke everything down and traced it back to the source. I loved telling stories.
I finally emerge onto the angry surface gasping for air. Even the air hurt. Cold and sharp. My lungs felt like they wanted to close up because being warm was more important than being alive at the time. I got angry. I fought anger with rage. A flash of warmth surges through me like lightning. I could feel everything, right down to my fingers and toes. The warmth was radiant as if after being dipped in ice water, the sun had come out to save me.
When you decide that life isn’t going to control you anymore, you tend to use anger to do it. It is the only thing that seems to give you enough energy to burst through rendered realism for the sake of safety, through to the actual reality that is definitely worth living. That rage tends to force anything that could get in your way to back down knowing that going up against your rage when you no longer care about the consequences is just going to be pointless. Focused rage even more so.
You haven’t been truly in rage until you’ve allowed yourself to be submerged in the icy waters of your mind and begin to find warmth in it. But at the same time, nothing else will give you that kind of focus. The kind of focus that can actually lower the volume of the world and allow your own voice to ripple through the universe creating the path that you felt you should have been on this entire time.
Another wave. Submerged again. Upside down once more. But I never lost the sense of which way was up. I never lost my path. I had it in sight the entire time. The water was still as cold as anything, but it was having trouble causing me any more pain. For the radiance of rage was saving me. The objective of getting back to the surface and not even to find dry land, but to calm the seas itself was crystal clear.
Yeah, when you focus like that, you don’t need the easy way out. You can go straight to the source of the problem and put a stop to it once and for all.
Be the star when the sun hides behind angry skies. Be the radiance when life throws you into icy waters because let’s face it, life will constantly look for every opportunity to do that. Keep in mind, life and the universe is not evil. They are just hell bent on balance. And by throwing you into a body of water that could swallow you whole, paralyze you and leave you to die, you are forced to take back the control and emerge the version of you that you always wished you could be.
We have always had control. We just never knew it.
The biggest wave of them all approaches. We are ready. We turn and wait for it timing it perfectly after learning everything we had come to know up until now.
At this point, we are not just riding the wave.
We are the wave.