Let’s start with what I’ve accomplished so far, which is something I believe most haven’t had a chance to just yet. I believe I’ve made it in life. I don’t have money, I don’t have power, I don’t have influence. I have my handful of friends, my family, the things that entertain me from day to day, and most importantly, I have my creative aggression. Yes, it’s aggressive, because for so long I had denied myself exactly that, and now it’s overflowing. I am a writer. I am a photographer. And I am a digital artist.
What makes me say that I’ve made it, is the fact that I’ve lost my ability to care about the things I cannot control. If something happens to get in my way, I have enough logical throughput to find my way over, under and or around it. I can connect with people extremely easily and it has been amazing to meet everyone I have so far. Not having to worry about tomorrows financial problems removes a burden that would otherwise make me this miserable sad sack of nothing.
That isn’t to say I’m not trying to be smart about the way I spend or work towards a goal, I just don’t let it bother me if I don’t reach that goal just yet. It doesn’t bother me when working hard for something, and I’ve just fallen short. Or when relying on others who happen to not come through. I don’t need the best of the best things, I don’t need to look amazing with the latest fashion trends. I don’t need it. I may sometimes want it, but it bothers me not when I can’t have it.
This is what makes me believe I’ve made it. I’ve removed all things that have been a barrier to me living more freely. To thinking more freely. To being better. Because those things tend to get in the way of pursuing a truly worthy goal. It took me 30 years to get to this place. And I do not regret any of it. At first, it felt like such a waste of time for all the things I did only to end up here, until I realised that it was necessary in order for me to gain the understanding that I now have.
There is a small hidden part of me that exists, which I believe everyone has to some degree. It is definitely a creeper, because often you can never tell when it is going to strike.
This hidden part in all of us, is seeking to become legend.
Any kind of legend. Everyone wants to be remembered and known for something. And it could be anything. Your current field, knowledge, looks, abilities or just plain being a decently kickass dude or dudette.
This hidden portion maybe small, but so powerful that it influences your actions and behaviour in the subtlest of ways. We begin to act accordingly, and deploy our current tasks in ways so as to ensure what we do has the potential to become legend. It forces us to become better in what we do, so that we can may reach that status one day. This portion of us has the side effect of making us better.
Of course, like with all things, too much of it, and ego has the potential to set in. Once you become legend in something, it can destroy you. Being aware, and surrounding yourself with people who care about you and would be willing to keep you grounded, is the best thing you can do if you find yourself becoming legend.
On any average day, if you ask me what I’d like to accomplish it would be that of being a decent story teller via both words and images. It would be me becoming decent at creating worlds that have never existed. It would be that of being a decent person and someone all could rely on.
On the days when the hidden part has gripped me? I would want to become a storyteller like no other. Not the best, as everyone has their own way of telling their stories the best. But a storyteller like no other, that when you heard a story being told that I created, you would know it came from me. I would want anyone to be able to see an image in such a way that I had captured it, you would be able to identify it as coming from me.
This of course, is insane. But there is nothing wrong with reaching for the stars in order to better yourself. I may get there, and I may not. As I’ve said this is only but a small portion of me, but it can come out very strong at times.
I share this in the hopes that someone out there will come to understand that this does exist and it is okay. That we all strive to become known for something, and even if its accidental, dear God does it feel amazing. Some like to keep it hidden, some are perfectly okay for the small portion of that status they have reached currently, and some like to do it out loud and from the tops of mountains to get even further, and that, is okay too.
I share this, because now I am grounded in my reality. I now have to become better and allow others to give me this status when I have earned it, and not before. I did this because one of my biggest fears is falling back into a status I thought I had achieved because my own sense of being had fooled me into thinking I was anything at all, without having done the work to earn it. Upon reflection, it was one of the worst things I could have ever done, and it will not happen again.
I seek to become better. I secretly seek, to become legend.]]>