These are questions I ask myself constantly. It made me feel unsettled and incomplete not being able to answer that question. I hadn’t a clue what my purpose was and I didn’t know what I should have been doing with my life and what I should have been preparing for towards the future. Until I realised that I was living via proxy of my true self and most baser nature.
The world has changed a lot over time. With those changes come the tasks we must complete daily in order to survive. The instinct for survival has never left us, but has evolved. Instead of going out to hunt or find our own food, we instead go to work to earn enough currency to get food from others who have already done this for us. Instead of finding security and shelter, those things are done for us and if we want them we pay for it.
This has changed the way we interact with each other as well. Instead of doing things that make us happy and allow us to truly live freely, the world has become a place of competition which has spawn from survival because we are no longer the only smaller group of people wanting to do the same things. There are many more of us then there ever was and we are all in competition to survive.
Survival has become a commodity in terms of how we do it and how many others can do it better then. Having the best jobs, better cars, stylish clothing and latest tech in our hands has become our measure of how much we’ve done and earned in the world for most of us. And while there is nothing wrong with that, it is easy to forget to do what makes us truly happy. To do what makes us truly alive. Doing the daily routines to live and then nothing else, only to move on to the next competition in survival is an exercise in futility, for so much time and energy is being wasted.
We are all living via proxy in some way or another due to the things we claim we must do. And because we are afraid to loose the things we have already managed to gain or the reputations of ourselves we have created we are unwilling to take the risks that come with being our true selves.
I for one can only speak for myself in terms of how I’ve lived via proxy. I’ve allowed myself to represent my true nature but only in a way I deem fit the world would willingly accept me, rather then just being that version of myself to truly find the people I would get along with, and do the things I would truly love and enjoy.
This behaviour only recently stopped. A few months ago I decided that pretending to be something I’m not only because of how far I had come was the biggest waste of my life. But then I thought to myself, “Why stop here? How many other behaviours are you currently engaging in that is a pure waste of time based on how many things you’d like to do and achieve and how much time is left in your life?”
The answers that came after that question was staggering. There were too many things for my taste after realising what I was doing. The amount of people I knew in life that did nothing for me except made me feel inadequate. The amount of time I spent in a career that wasn’t as pleasurable as I made it seem. The amount of things I would say to the people I did consider friends so as to seem like I had my shit together.
I had given myself permission not to be myself, but only to represent myself that became an entity that no longer personified me at all.
All of that stopped. And while I’m not where I want to be, I’ve made a strong start. This blog is proof after deciding to become a writer rather then continue as a developer. I have a very long way to go, and way too many things to learn.
After having destroyed my proxy via repetition and some semblance of discipline, I can honestly tell you something that has changed that will make ridding yourself of your proxy and all routines and anxieties that come with that proxy a worthy cause.
I can tell you that I am happy, and I am free.]]>